I remember watching “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and Rudolph, being different from his peers, went to the island of misfit toys. This island is where toys that were just a little bit off, were exiled instead of being gifted to children on Christmas. I have always loved the song they sing on the island. I mean how could I, being a bit of a misfit myself, not love or relate to those lyrics?

Trauma and environment led me to create a false narrative that I have to fit in/be a certain way or nobody will like me or even love me. This is especially poignant when you have abandonment issues from childhood trauma. If you are a square peg surrounded by round holes and you’re the only square peg, you (well at least I did) believe that you must be the defect, you must be the misfit, and you must change and alter yourself to fit in.

Some many moons ago I was listening to a talk about how we do not earn Heaven, we need to learn Heaven. This same concept applies to love. We do not need to earn love—we need to learn love. With therapy and with prayer I am starting to remember that I know who I am, I know God’s plan, and I know I will follow Him.

What does that mean? When I become so fixated on trying to fit where I do not belong, I am really trying to hold on to the illusion of security and the illusion of safety. This actually does damage to me (health, emotional, spiritual). To love me and show love and gratitude to God is not about meeting imagined expectations. Instead, is to just value the parts that make me—well, me. I am a square peg AND I am a daughter of God. Instead of kicking against the pricks and getting depressed trying to be who I’m not, I need to learn, love, and just be me. We are not on this Earth to have it easy. We are here to learn, to grow, and to be molded and all that doesn’t necessarily mean being changed from a square peg to a round peg. Sometimes we have to be ok with being a square peg until we either find a square hole or find a round hole that is large enough to accept our squared edges.

Easy right? Wrong! Just because I know God’s love is perfect and I know who I am (warts and all) does not mean I’m smiling all the way. Make no mistake there are and will be tears and times when I am unsure/tired/scared and want to (and sometimes do) throw a hissy fit while I grow. I am mortal. We are mortal. This year (2022) is a continuation of the journey I started in 2020 when I first set in motion this blog. This year I am trying to understand and let me become me as I recognize that I am not a misfit, just a striving, praying, hoping, growing, developing, daughter of God.